At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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