wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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