just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
