Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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