Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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