So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
