so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
