i wish starbucks made bloody marys
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
