My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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