he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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