Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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