I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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