i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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