I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
