tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
