last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
