My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize