This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
