i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
