There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
