if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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