nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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