Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
