I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
