How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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