My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
