Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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