I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
