Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
