Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
