i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
