just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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