if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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