The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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