My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
