So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
