i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
