it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
