non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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