You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
