Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
