How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
