Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
