woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
