i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
