You can't motorboat a personality
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
