I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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