whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
