I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
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I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
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Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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