no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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