Swine flu. Run for my life!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
