There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
