I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
