If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it glows. i had to have it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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