trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
