I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
