My first STD was from a foam party
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
