I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
