I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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