I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
