Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
