If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
