I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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