the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
When are your genitals available?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
