You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The best revenge is premature balding
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
