Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
