Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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