He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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